if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
