Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
we're making bets on your personal life
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
