You're my little dorito
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize