My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
