Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
