Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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