So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
