I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Randomize