The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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