I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
