I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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