i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
