Me. At least after what I've been through.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
