Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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