Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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