guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
