Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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