Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
