I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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