He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
