my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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