Just took my morning after pill in the library
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
