Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Randomize
