That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
