i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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