I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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