cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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