What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
