i permit you to call me
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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