When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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