The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
