Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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