This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
