I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
