im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
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