You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
