You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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