I looked at my own cervix.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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