If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
