Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
