My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just pynch a tree in the face
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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