Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
