Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I AM VODKA MAN
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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