i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
