All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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