I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
