omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Sober January is a disaster.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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