Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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