Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
