haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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