My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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