On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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