When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
