My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I can feel your judgement through the phone
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
