I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
