Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize