Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize