Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
My ATM looks so different sober.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
