If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
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